FrystorkadPapaya

Jag har fattat en liten förkärlek till 1800 talet. De har egentligen många anledningar men den främsta är att jag har levt i detta århundrade. Fråga mig inte varför för du skulle antagligen inte tro mig om jag svarade. Men jag tror jag lämnade kvar en del av mig där och nu vill den delen bli hittad igen.
Livet verkade både lättare och svårare på den tiden och man visste aldrig vad som skulle hända men tänk alla dessa baler och fester de ordnade. Alla dessa kläder, musiken och färdsättet. Kollade på EMMA idag och kunde mycket väl tänka mig in i den tidsperioden. I dess vackra landskap och med kläderna, talet och kärleken. Inte för att det var lättare med kärleken där som det är nu. Killarna skrev brev och förklarade deras kärlek till en, även fast det kunde bli förvirring och många tårar spillda om det inte var rätt, nu för tiden hur många är det egentligen som skriver brev till sin tjej eller till den som man gillar???

Jag har nog aldrig varit med om att få en riktig kärleksförklaring nedskrivet på ett brev (inte ens ett mail - om man nu måste ha med den nutida teknologin). Som i tex Kate & Loepold (utspelar sig oxå på 1800-talet), men där skriver han ett brev till henne med fin stil och de gör henne jätte lycklig. Jag begär inte att stilen ska vara perfekt stilren MEN HERRE GUD ETT BREV kan väl inte vara sååå J******la svårt att skriva ner?? eller?? Har man problem med att skriva ner sinna innersta känslor så ta en bit i taget eller skriv bara ner stödord och vänta lite - tänk på annat ett tag och sen skriv ner de första som dyker upp. Eller sätt på favorit musiken och blunda och känn hur den flödar genom en och utan att tänka på vad man SKA skriva så skriv de man KÄNNER för. Jag tycker det är svårt själv och jag är tjej så jag kan verkligen tänka mig att det är svårt för killar att skriva. Men det är tanken och försöket som betyder så mycket, ibland nästan mer än vad själva brevet säger. De behöver inte vara en hel novell, kanske bara - jag drunknar i dina ögon varje gång jag ser på dig. Du får mitt hjärta att hoppa över slag varje gång du håller om mig eller När du ler mot mig känner jag mig som världens lyckligaste människa! De behöver inte vara mycket men lite kan ge mer styrka än en hel novell - Less is More and Powerful.

Suck, önskar jag kunde få ett brev någon gång som den mitt hjärta håller kär har skrivit och förklarat sin kärlek tillbaka till mig. Är det verkligen förmycket att begära??



Sandy var hemma hos mig sista helgen i februari. Hade jätte kul, har inte sätt henne på evigheter. Pratade en himla massa och delade på 4 flaskor vin. Har inte haft så kul på länge. Ska försöka komma ner och hälsa på henne i maj sen efter allt hon har att göra. Själv för tillfället har jag inte råd att åka ner. Skulle åka ner till Norrtälje men nu har jag inte råd med det. Var på AMS och SOC i fredags och pratade, så förhoppningsvis så får jag lite pengar snart. Söker faktiskt jobb också, så jag är inte bara en slashas.. Men det är verkligen inte lätt att få jobb här. Undrar varför jag inte får någe svar från Scotland? De kan iaf inte ha glömt bort mig för då blir jag jätte upprörd!! Men de tror jag inte har hänt. hmm.. Suck..

Läser en serie av Christopher Paolini, Eragon - Den Äldste - Brisingr. Är inne på den andra delen nu och dom är jätte bra. Har inte sätt filmen Eragon men de gör inget för jag tror inte jag vill se den heller.. Men jag tycker folk borde läsa dom böckerna. Men jag är ju en bokmal och läser ganska så enormt mycket..

Uscha, nu ska jag duscha.. Önskar ändå att jag var tillbaka på 1800-talet..

God natt
Puss och kram

Disturbed ~ Awaken

Hur kommer det sig att de man vill ha kan man inte få och de man inte vill ha kommer automatiskt? Jag vill till exempel ha sol och värme men va får man? Jo SNÖ - jag vill INTE ha mera snö och jag tror nog att 99.9% av Sveriges befolkning är jävligt less på detta.

Varför tar saker och ting så långsamt? Jag vill inte leva här och tröka igenom mitt liv, jag vill ut och göra något men de värsta är att jag verkligen inte vet vad jag vill göra. Jag vet att jag vill tbx till Scotland och vara där och se om man kan få någe liv i livet eller om de bara är en passage till nästa del. Jag tror jag läser alldeles för mycket böcker för jag börjar tycka att mitt liv är ett väldigt tråkigt kapitel för tillfället. Jag har haft bra och mindre bra kapitel men nu är de så vansinnigt tråkigt så ibland undrar man om man ska sluta eller bara hoppa över några kaptiel - hur de nu än ska gå till. Suck.

Jag har alldeles för mycket fantasi för mitt eget bästa. Men utan den vore man ganska dötrist.. Folk utan fantasi är tråkiga människor.

Har varit på Spiritualistisk Healing ett par gånger nu och de e så skönt, men man blir bra yr i skallen efteråt.. haha. Och snart ska jag till ett Medium, de ska bli skoj.

Just nu är jag väääldigt pessimistisk och vill inte alls fast jag vet vad jag vill men de ganska så omöjligt att uppnå.. De kanske kommer de också..

Suck.

~ Disturbed - Criminal~

Mitt hotell i Portugal 2010

Havsverk 2010

Fantasiverk.. Elefant & Noshörning 2010




Jag, den enda soliga dagen på hela veckan.. 2010




Underbar vy.. 2010




Kaktus...




En palm rondell, inte ofta man ser det inte.. haha 2010




En kall pool där ingen bada i.. 2010




Från min balkong, 2010

Jag julen 2009 i vårat kök.




Jag nyårsafton, Carigatin 2009-2010




Mata fårskallarna



En av de soliga dagarna i Pitlochry 2010



Vackra berg i solnedgång, Pitlochry 2010

hahaha, inte så hemlig längre....

Travis, I think there is a naked man in the barn.. sa frun till sin man I Wolverine. Haha.

Jag fryser, ligger i sängen och kollar på Hugh Jackman i Wolverine, de e en bra film tycker jag och de gör ju inte saken mindre bra för att han är med och spelar. Även fast jag ligger i sängen med en värmefilt så är det kallt på uppansidan. Har inte varit hemma speciellt länge nu heller, det är bara första dan nu som jag är hemma, när jag skriver detta. Har redan hunnit gå till gyn för cellprov, träffat på en kompis, pratat med mormor och bestämt att gå hem till henne och så har jag försökt leta jobb men det går inge vidare – för de första så är jag inte intresserad och för de andra så finns det typ inga jobb här som jag kan tänka mig eller är intresserad av. Vilket iofs kan vara både bra och dåligt eftersom jag vet vad jag vill göra – i framtiden. Har ingen direkt aning om vad jag vill göra nu men jag vet iaf vad jag vill göra i framtiden men de är i framtiden. Som jag sa när jag prata med Andreas – men jag planerar egentligen ingenting längre för alla mina planer blir egentigen aldrig som man planerar dom.

Som tex nu när jag åkte tillbaka till Scotland, tog evigheters evigheter , jag och pappa börjad min milslånga resa 05:15 på söndag morgon den 27:e december. Resan till Arlanda var okej, vi pratade och lyssnade på J.J.Cale.  Flygningen till London Heathrow gick bra men sen var det en lång väntan på Heathrow innan mitt nästa flyg till Edinburgh. Men jag höll nästan på att missa det för jag hade inte fått ut mitt boarding pass så när jag skulle kliva ombord så gick det inte så jag var tvungen att prata med hon som tog hand om de där och hon fick in mig på planet tack och lov. Grejen är den att jag var tvungen att byta Terminal från 5 till 1 och de var ingen bra terminal. Men jag kom iväg till Edinburgh med rätt flyg. Sen i Edinburgh tog jag bussen från flygplatsen in till stan, men grejen var den att jag klev av på fel plats och behövde gå en bit för att komma in till stan. Men de var inte så farligt med tanke på att jag hade setat en hel dag. Letade efter busstationen men hitta den inte, frågade så många men hittade den inte iaf. Tog ett tåg till Stirling sen en taxi den sista biten, pengarna var inte roliga att betala men de var skönt att komma fram till Pitlochry, även fast det var 23:20 (lokal tid 00:20 svensk tid). Det var en hemsk dag men jag var så glad när den äntligen tog slut.

Började jobba morgonen efter. Det var skönt att få jobba igen men det var konstigt på samma gång. Det var gott med en riktig skotsk frukost igen, haha. Men nu när jag var tillbaka så gjorde jag inte så mycket faktiskt, spenderade tid med mig själv.

På tisdagen åt jag lunch med Audrey på McKays och så hade vi ett par drinkar först på McKays sen fortsatte vi ner till Fishers och träffa på Gordon och vi hade mera drinkar. Hade kul faktiskt. Annars så gjorde jag inte så mycket. Åt glass gjorde jag också.

På onsdagen åkte jag till Perth med Maggie och Larry. Gjorde inte så mycket, köpte en nyårs klänning och en kofta till den. Snyggt var det och så köpte jag ett par örhängen också. Sen gick jag in i en av mina favoritaffärer – HMV, köpte en Disturbed skiva och Harry Potter del 6. Köpte en bok på Waterstone’s (Tempted) – min andra favoritaffär. Sen tog jag bussen tillbaka till Pitlochry och sen hade jag middag och en drink med Paula på McKays. Prata lite skit och lite allvar. Sen gick vi hem åt varsitt håll.

På torsdagen – Nyårsafton. Kollade internet, gick troligen runt på byn också. På kvällen hade vi middag på Craigatin, gott var det och ganska mysigt – tänkte gå ut och partaja men jag var så trött och somnade klockan elva.  Skrev ett mess till min kompis för det var hennes födelsedag. Annars gjorde jag inte så mkt den dagen.

Fredagen den 1 januari, gjorde jag inte heller så speciellt mycket. Jobbade till klockan 1 och sen under dagen tog jag det lugnt. Besökte MacKenzie’s och prata gojja ett tag innan jag gick ner till Fishers och tog ett par drinkar med Gordon och några till. Sen runt sextiden ringde Helen och undra vart jag var någonstans och var hon kunde plocka upp mig. Hon och hennes pappa plockade upp mig utanför McKays, sen plockade vi upp hennes morföräldrar på vägen hem. Jag hade totalt glömt bort att jag skulle hem till henne. Men det var verkligen mysigt och kul att göra något annat en kväll. Det var då jag träffade Andrew för första gången. Vi hade middag och drinkar och jag träffade på några släktingar till Helen.
Satt bredvid Andrew i soffan och prata lite, vi sa inte speciellt mycket. Han verkade vara en väldigt tystlåten och tillbakadragen människa. Men en människa jag skulle vilja lära känna. Satt bredvid Helen vid matbordet och så hade hon sin kille Lachlan på hennes andra sida. Andrew satt snett till höger om mig på andra sidan bordet. Var där till klockan nio sen körde hennes pappa hem mig och några andra. Sen satt jag och Eddie – hennes pappa och prata i bilen. Han har jobbat i Sverige ett tag för några år sen och de roligaste är att han fortfarande kan svenska. Han jobbar som polis och fårfarmare. Gjorde inte så mycket mer den kvällen förutom att kolla på tv.

Lördagen började som vanligt med jobb och lite prat med mina arbetskamrater. Sen klockan 14 träffade jag Stuart och hade lunch på Victoria’s. de gick bra, han pratade en himla massa – tror han var nervös för jag vet att han tycker om mig och skulle vilja vara tillsammans med mig om han var yngre (de sa han själv faktiskt). Jag åt Peking Duck Wrap – mums. Hehe. Sen gick vi åt olika håll – även fast han är snäll och trevlig så är han ingen jag vill vara tillsammans med. Jag gick och lämnade ett julkort på Alans jobb. Sen gick jag till MacKenzie’s men före det gick jag till Co-op. Köpte mig en mocka och kakor. Sen skrev jag till Helen och berätta hur lunchen gick. Annars var det bara TV tittande på agendan.

Söndagen den 3:e var min sista jobbdag – en ganska skön känsla men ändå ganska konstigt eftersom jag varit där så pass länge. Sen gick jag ner på byn och gjorde inte mycket. Sen blev det tvätt för hela slanten. Kollade internet också. Tv tittande och bad. Pratade med Noi också eftersom jag skulle ner till henne och Olly den 5 januari. Men då säger hon att jag inte kan komma den 5-10 som det var planerat utan de skulle vara bättre om jag kom mellan den 11-20 januari eller de 2 första veckorna i februari. Men seddu den gubben gick inte för mellan den 12-19 januari är jag i Portugal och sen de 2 första veckorna är jag hemma och då tänker jag inte åka tillbaka bara för att säga hej ett par dagar. Nää det blev bara kaos över de hela. Pratade med Andrea om det där och hon blev inte alls glad. För nu förändrades allt, alla planer jag hade.

Måndagen bestod inte av mycket, sov ganska så länge sen klockan 15 tog jag en fika med Stuart på Victoria’s igen. Han var ganska så bra på att prata igen, men denna gång var det helt annat samtalsämne. Kanske inte direkt det man ska prata om när man knappt känner varandra, men men. Packade en heldel också, inte allt men nästan. Mina sista dagar gjorde jag inte mycket alls. Pratade med Helen och fråga om jag kunde få sova hos henne ett par nätter. Vilket jag lyckligtvis fick. Vilket räddade mig.

Tisdagen bestod av städning och packning. Gick till Röda Korset och lämnade en kasse med kläder och ett par skor, de e så tacksamma där. Så gick jag in på Postkontoret och skickade iväg 2 paket hem. Sa hejdå till Andrea och Martin, fick ett kort och ett par jätte fina örhängen i JADE sten och silver (ser ut som 2 hjärtan). Helen sa till mig att vänta på hennes mamma utanför banken hon jobbar i/på. Jag kom ganska så tidigt så jag stod och vänta, sen kom Helen och mötte upp mig, hon sa att Andrew var med – de var han som körde. Kände mig lite generad för jag trodde faktiskt att han skulle ha åkt bort sen efter nyår men (tack och lov) så hade han inte gjort det, för om han nu hade det så hade jag aldrig fått chansen att lära känna honom. Medan vi väntade på Helens mamma satt vi i bilen och prata om ditten och datten. Sen åkte vi hem och åt mat. Låg och pratade strunt med Helen på kvällen.

Onsdagen – oh vilken härlig dag! Den bästa dagen någonsin jag haft i Scotland. Till och med Helens mamma sa att jag såg så avslappnad och lugn ut – harmonisk. Sov väldigt länge och sen åt jag fyrkantig korv i fralla med ketchup – mums!! Efter min frukost och de andras lunch (utom Helens för hon var i skolan), åkte vi iväg och matade får. Vägen dig var så otroligt vacker och solen bara sken och allt var toppen. J Så det var jag, Avril, Andrew och Eddie. Det blåste lite grann men de gjorde inte så mycket. Sen tittade vi in i ett gammalt hus som dom äger också som deras son skulle ta över eller hur det nu var. Sen på kvällen var det middag och film tittande och en himla massa tea drickande. Vi drack tea nästan hela dagarna.
Men de e väl så det ska vara när man är i Scotland – om man nu inte tycker väldigt mycket om Whiskey. (vilket jag inte gör – så jag håller mig till teet). Just ja, jag, Andrew och Eddie åkte in till Perth för Andrew behövde något ordentligt lås – till vad det nu än var han behövde de till. Sen visade det sig att Tomas - Helens brorsa – att hans Collage var inställt pga snön och han var på väg till Perth så vi väntade på honom. Andrew klippte sig och jag och Eddie gick runt på stan. Jag ville ha tjockare sockor till gummistövlarna och inomhus. Vi åt fish and chips och glass J Så plockade vi upp Tomas och sen åkte vi till ASDA – där köpte jag 2 par strumpor. Haha. Sen åkte vi hem. Hade ganska kul på resan både dit och hem.

Torsdagen började som onsdagen, med en lång sovmorgon och brunch. Sen tog jag och Avril med oss 2 av deras 7 hundar på en promenad. Efter promenaden åkte vi och matade fåren igen. Snubblade och vred till vristen – de gjorde ont. Denna gång kastade jag också hö på fårskallarna. De var lite kul faktiskt. Haha. Åt mat och drack tea, kolla på tv och flamsa med Helen. Avril frågade om jag kunde laga mat på fredagen och de är klart att jag kunde. Senare på kvällen frågade Andrew mig vad jag skulle göra under fredagen och de enda jag kunde säga var att jag skulle laga mat, men inget annat inplanerat. Då frågade han mig om jag ville följa med till Crail (utanför St.Andrews). Klart jag ville det, bara han och jag – haha – då skulle jag få chansen att lära känna honom lite mera. Sen låg jag och Helen och diskuterade det halva natten.. haha

Fredagen – uah, gick upp ”tidigt” redan vid 8 – tog en dusch. Åt frukost och väntade på Helen. Sedan körde Andrew henne till skolan och så åkte vi direkt efter det. Vi pratade en himla massa – relationer, hus, framtid, relationer, ditten och datten. Vi åkte förbi ett ställe som e ganska kul egentligen för det var en stor skylt som det stod Scotland´s Secret Bunker på och en pil. Då är den inte så hemlig längre. Han körde upp så jag fick kolla lite – berättade lite grann om den också men tyvärr så var det stängt. Så fortsatte vi vidare till Crail. När vi var framme såg man havet – så vackert för solen sken igen. Han hade påbörjat en renovering av ett hus och vi skulle hämta upp hans saker. Jag hjälpte till att bära saker till bilen, hihi. Efter en stund åkte vi och hämtade en släpvagn – fick se hans andra bil på ett släp – den var snygg, visserligen var det en helt vanlig bil men jag gillar den och den går fort haha. Han gillar fart precis som jag. J Åkte tillbaka och fortsatte rensa ut hans saker och jag hjälpte till och han var verkligen tacksam över det. Inte sjutton skulle jag stå där som en idiot och låta honom arbeta själv. Så bjöd han på lunch (scampi och chips), sa de till honom att jag inte är så förtjust i vinäger på mina chips beroende på lukten – då fick jag smaka på hans chips med vinäger.. haha de var inte så stor skillnad på smaken.

Han körde ut till havet och där åt vi lunch- jätte fint var det. Han gillar inte att sitta på en parkeringsplats och käka när man kan ha havsutsikt. Haha. Lalala lycklig… sen åkte vi tillbaka till stället han hämtade släpvagnen och vi lastade av allt de vi skulle lämna och sen så började vi resan tillbaka till Pitlochry. Åkte via St.Andrews, så fint så. :D Stanna och tanka 2 gånger också – tydligen var diesel väldigt dyr. Vägen hem var annars ganska tyst, gjorde inte så mycket. Haha, han tycker jag är intressant, en udda känsla men ack så skön. När vi kom hem drack vi tea och jag började laga mat – pasta pytt/köttfärssås typ. En väldigt bra men lite sorglig dag. Sista natten med dom. Jag och Andrew gick och la oss ganska tidigt – men tyvärr inte tillsammans.. De andra tyckte de var lite konstigt att vi gick och la oss nästan exakt samtidigt. Helen kom in och börja prata så skrev hon i min almanacka som jag redan skrev i. Hennes familj undra om de hade hänt något mellan mig och Andrew – men de hade det inte. Sista natten var sorligt men jag hade ganska så mysiga drömmar. Haha.

Lördagen var okej. Packa de jag skulle ha med mig, lämnade en del – vilket egentligen inte var meningen. Men eftersom jag har planerat att komma tillbaka så kanske det inte gjorde så mycket. Helen, Eddie och Andrew följde med till busstationen – för tåget jag skulle ta till Edinburgh var inställt pga snön. Suck. Inge kul alls att vänta på bussen som skulle ta mig långt bort ifrån min trygga, snäll och omtyckta plats – min lilla familj (de blev som en extra familj åt mig) och så Andrew – honom ville jag verkligen inte lämna för vi hade ju lyckas komma varandra närmre. Men när bussen kom så fick jag en kram och så sa han att vi skulle ses när jag kommer tillbaka.

Och det var han som sa det inte jag! Haha – soo happy!!! Men jag grina på bussen till Edinburgh för jag ville inte åka – varje fiber i min kropp sa NEEEEEEEJ!!!!!! Men jag hade lovat Daniel att jag skulle komma och så sa jag att jag skulle följa med på Ballet, för det har jag aldrig sätt förr. Kul att se nya saker tycker jag. Bussen kom till Pitlochry 14:30 och kom till Edinburgh ca kl 17:00 (jävligt lång resa speciellt eftersom jag var såå himla kissnödig och ingen toa på bussen fanns de heller). Men jag kom fram iaf och på stationen stod Anna och Daniel och vänta. Hälsa på dom och sedan sprang jag till toaletterna – sen var de lugnt. Haha.

Åkte hem till honom och bytte kläder sen åkte vi till en Japansk restaurang, åt sushi och någon kyckling moj och drack J.D och cola. Fick rusa lite i slutet för det där med tid var inget för oss. Balletten började halv åtta och vi kom när det var ca 3 min kvar – snacka om tajming. Det var Nötknäpparen vi såg – vilket jag inte hade någon aning om och om jag hade vetat det hade jag nog inte gått på den för jag gillar inte den.  Första delen var trist och tråkig men andra delen var okej, mera dans. Sen efter det gick vi ut på krogen – tog en drink och sen mådde jag super illa – så som när jag var med Daniel förra gången när jag svimmade, så jag var tvungen att gå ut i friska luften.  Det släppte efter ett par timmar tack och lov. Satt i deras jätte sköna fåtölj och kolla på tv samtidigt som vi prata en massa. Var uppe till 4 på morgonen – de var ganska drygt för skallen.

På söndagen skulle Anna åka tillbaka till St.Andrews, men hon ville kolla efter en hatt först. Så ut på stan gick vi och leta. Jag och Daniel tog henne till busstationen sen gick vi och åt lunch på The Advocate Pub. Mums med mat :P Satt där en stund och så hade vi efterrätt också, de var ju faktiskt söndag. Gick runt lite på stan och in på Waterstone’s , kolla efter några böcker och hitta en till Calle – ringde mamma för att fråga om jag skulle köpa den eller inte. Men det tyckte hon inte eftersom den vare så pass tjock och på engelska. Prata lite annat också. Daniel träffa på en kompis som han prata med och jag hitta en massa böcker som jag ville ha – som vanligt. Se gick vi och köpte skor till honom och 2 cd-skivor till mig, Disturbed och Creed , sen hem. Bestämde oss för att gå och se Daybreakers – för jag ville se den. :P Skulle ha gått kl kvart i åtta men de blev kvart i nio istället för vi käkade middag så pass sent. Filmen var okej, inte alls så bra som jag trodde. Kom hem och kolla på tv.

Måndag var lugn. Gjorde inte så mycket, kolla på tv och fixa med datorn. Boka mitt rum på TRAVELODGE. Pratade med Audrey och Rhona på telefonen också. Skrev ut en massa papper när Daniel kom hem från jobbet, som jag behövde när jag skulle resa till Portugal. Spendera stora delar av dagen med Daniels rumskompis David. En trevlig och snäll kille. Men jag vill inte ha mer än vänskap från honom, jag känner mig redan upptagen. Hmm konstigt konstigt.

I really really like Edinburgh and I'm happy to have a friend that lives there. Don't have good enough pictures to put out but I promise you it's a beautiful town, espcially on the other sida away from Princess street and the shopping center and all the stores.
There is a pub on the Grassmarket (on the other side of town) thar have Haggisballs - they are yummy!

I tid och otid har jag försökt komma på vem jag är och det går inte så bra faktiskt. Jag har hittat vissa delar av mig själv och en av dom delarna är att jag tycker om att resa och jag gillar verkligen Scotland. Men sen då? Jo jag har fallit för Dr. Cox i Scrubs – han är så het. (Haha) Kanske inte på det direkta fysiska planet men han är verkligen het. (jag fick seasong 2 i julklapp) Men sen har jag ingenting. Musik och film och framför allt böcker, vad skulle jag göra utan mina älskade böcker?

Jag vill ha en kille för jag vill verkligen ha SEX!!! Men jag vill ha kärlek också. Men jag orkar inte leta heller efter någon och försöka låta honom komma till mig. Sen blir det inte lättare av att jag kollar på när J.D och Elliot (eller Elliot och Paulie) har myspys och sex, inge kul. Jag har svårt att hitta inre styrka till att kunna vara mig själv och känna mig själv, jag orkar inte. Mina tankar och funderingar tar upp alldeles för mycket tid. Min ande värld är inte rätt än, jag har varit så otroligt stressad att jag bara har stängt av allting. Jag vill ha en kille som älskar mig för den jag är samt inte är rädd för att skaffa barn och bilda familj och skaffa allt som jag vill ha.

Jag har en stressad period framför mig, på söndag ska jag åka till Scotland igen och tack och lov så kör pappa mig till Arlanda. Sen när jag har landat i London få flyger jag till Glasgow sen tar jag en taxi till Pitlochry för det går ingenting annat, det kommer att kosta mig en del men det är de värt för jag vill verkligen inte komma den 28 på eftermiddagen utan jag vill komma den 27:e på kvällen, för då hinner jag handla också. (och/eller äta ute) mamma tycker inte att jag ska ta en taxi men de e egentligen mitt enda förslag för jag vill inte komma dan efter och jag vill inte sova någon annan stans än i min säng. Ska faktiskt bli kul och skönt att jobba lite till, kan kanske hända att jag stannar kvar sen och kör en seasong till, men de blir nog kanske från mars fram till november om jag inte får ett jobb i Sverige. Eller så kanske jag börjar jobba och sen om jag har tur så kanske jag kan jobba i Sverige efter ett tag, eller nått.. ?? Jag vet inte.. Allt är all messed up! Och det värsta nu är att jag börjar bli sjuk, börjar få ont i halsen hmm.. suck..


Nu när jag skriver detta är klockan nästan 03, fortfarande kollande på Scrubs. Strax dags att lägga mig, måste upp i morgon och packa och se resten av Scrubs och läsa klart min bok och ev. börja på en ny bok. Förhoppningsvis prata med min kusin från Stockholm.

Jag känner mig så otroligt tom.

Bad Romance ~ Lady Gaga

I’m back now, back to normal, back to Sweden and my family. But I don’t know if it’s normal, I have no idea whats normal anymore. I know that I really like Pitlochry and that I really am looking forward to go back and to spend some more time there, but there is some things I would like to change and things I wish I could say no to and spend some time with me and just enjoy the surroundings. But I’ll see what’s happening, there is still time left.

I had a quite a good time on my way back home, the train journey was just f*****ng booooring but in the end I talked to a very nice lady and she helped me down in London. It took me a while to find the right train to Terminal 5 through the right line. So many trains… I’m soo happy I’m not living in London. I would like to see London IF I had a good guide and a good place to stay. Well after an eternity I finally arrived at the airport and I took a taxi to my hotel and I have to say that after been working on a 4 star Bed and Breakfast you soon notice a lot when you arrive at other hotels and Bed and Breakfasts. But I have to say that the bed was one of the best beds I ever slept in, but I didn’t like the bathroom, to small and there were only ONE soap, no shower gel or anything like that. I think I’m spoiled and have lived in luxury but 1 soap?? The food was okay and the drink was good. I was soo tired and I fell asleep and slept about 12 hours. I didn’t sleep that much, the nights before.

On Friday I went out to see a DJ friend live and I was supposed to go with a work friend but she never came, because she had fallen asleep on her couch. But 2 of her friends came and kept me company for a while and then it was just one of the friends left. Had quite a good time but my DJ friend didn’t star until 11 o’clock and for me that was late because I needed to go up in the morning the following day. But I did stay and talked to him. He is really nice. I miss him actually. That was the night I tried Jack Daniels and coke and I really liked it and is now one of my favorite drinks. (Still on top is Cosmopolitan) Then on Saturday I went out again because I wanted to see my DJ friend but he didn’t work and I didn’t know that. I met a young guy I talked to, he was nice but he was only 21 and just waaaay out of any league – especially mine, NO WAY JOSÈ… we talked though about travels and stuff. But then I went home and just slept. Sunday – my last working day. No strange feelings just a normal day. Didn’t do much during the day but on the evening I went over to my friends house and we talked and then we called for our DJ friend to come over because I wanted to say bye bye.. He followed me to my door, which I think is really sweet of him. (Wonder if I’ll see him when I’m back??) I do hope soo.

There are things that have happened that I would like to write about but there is something inside me that says no and have to listen to that voice.

On Monday I left, my boss drove me to the train station and I’m really glad for that. The train left Pitlochry at 9:23 and I arrived in London Kings Cross at 15:50 and then around 18 at my hotel. It was a long and boring day. Had some dinner at the hotel and then a double Jack D & coke before I went to bed. Talked to a friend before I fell asleep. Tuesday came quicker than I expected, went down to have some breakfast (not that good) then I went up again and snoozed for about an hour and a half before I had to check out at 12 o’clock. Took the bus back to the airport and bought 2 books, did start reading one of them. Then when the time was right I checked in my big blue bag and then checked myself in. Took a while but I had a lot of time. Walked around, bought some stuff and then I had some lunch at Wagamama restaurant and ordered some spicy noodles and a coke. A really good place and I really recommend it. Then I just sat and waited for my plane.  It took time but I didn’t mind really. Then finally my flight was in and I could enter it. It didn’t take that long, read my book so the time went by and soon enough I landed on Arlanda airport. It was the best landing ever.

Took my suitcase and took the bus in to City Terminalen  in Stockholm city. My friend called me first when I was just outside the airport just to see where I was because he’s the guy I stayed with before I went home. Then I called my mum to say I have arrived in Sweden and that I was safe. After that I called my dad and talked a while with him.  My friend met me at the bus stop and we took the train home. So my journey from Pitlochry to Stockholm took me 2 days and then + 4 days in Stockholm with my friend. I visited my grandmother as well, I didn’t wanna leave her but I can always come back – and I will!! My grandmother is 86 so I would like to spend some more time with her, as long as it’s possible.

During my time in Stockholm I just had junk food but I don’t care really.. And my friend showed me The English Shop, I had nooooooo idea they had an English Shop in there, I was really happy. We went to the movies and saw New Moon (again, hehe). Had the biggest pizza ever and then a 200g of a hamburger (not at the same time or day!!!, pizza was on Wednesday and the burger was on Friday). Then on Saturday the 5^th I went home to mum and dad and they were having a party for my aunt and her husband and I came as a surprise kind of. They were really happy to see me again. Then after that day I haven’t really done anything really. Been with the family but mostly trying to sort out all my things I had with me and it was a lot. I haven’t fixed everything jet but I don’t have any room for it so I just letting it be. I have visiting some friends and I have some more to visit. I have been shopping Christmas presents with my youngest brother in Borlänge.  Looking forward to Christmas, too eat good food, presents, chocolate, family and drinks. I do love Christmas!

I have now booked a flight from London Heathrow T1 to Edinburgh on the 27^th of December. I did book my flight to London but not from London and up to Scotland (idiot!!) but now I have so the only thing I need now is a train ticket from Edinburgh to Pitlochry but that’s the smallest thing right now. And then I need to book a ticket from Glasgow back to Sweden. And I need to figure out how I’m coming down and back again to Brighton.. This is really ***************** something.. Couldn’t find any words for it.. But I really like to go down to Brighton to visit my friends and to see another part of England. Maybe I’ll go over to Ireland or maybe save that to when I have find myself a husband.. hehe.. My head is just spinning around.. jeeze..

We have soo much snow now, it’s about 20cm of it and it keeps falling down.. It’s now fun to drive in it but other than that I really don’t mind. I’ll try to get a picture of it later..

Haha I’ll write more another time.. Maybe after I have arrived back from Portugal.. hehe Now I am going to search for Portugal to see what kind of weather they have and stuff like that.

Chao!

The first time I saw him was in a bar with his wife. I had no idea at first that they were married. I know his wife because I had worked with her and we got along very well together. So this night me and my friends decided to go out for a drink at the local pub, but stopped by our former working place first just to say hi to the others. I saw him first and I new straight away that there is something more in life and that’s love. Then his wife turned around and she introduced us and I got shy. Usually I don’t get shy anymore when I talk to people but him, oh my god I don’t know what it was but I just lost it I couldn’t talk or barley look at him because he was just so perfect. First I thought it was her brother, then a gay guy (sorry – too good of a dresser) then when she said he was her husband I chocked. No way, but it was.  After that we said see you later and me and my friends went out and there was nothing more to it. (I thought).  The days went by like usually and I worked and didn’t think about him that much but I started to dream about him, night after night and soon it started to become daydreams as well.

A few weeks went by and then one night I meet the two of them at the pub and we started to talk and I just fell for him more and more. We had a good time the three of us. But I felt even then that I wish that it was only the two of us. I felt ashamed and bad but you can’t decide and control your feelings. A couple of more weeks went by and I didn’t see him but then one night I went by the pub and I saw him on his own so I went in. I have been feeling depressed for a while and no one to talk too really because I don’t really wanted to talk to anyone about my real feelings. I went in and started to talk to him. He ordered me a drink and then he said – you’re lonely! Then he gave me a hug and it was one of the best hugs I ever gotten. And the best thing is that he really meant what he said through the hug. I know it sound strange but I knew he was sincere and true. I so wanted him then and it didn’t help after that hug – I just wanted him more. But how could I, he was married and older then me. Not that aged really matter but the married thing, AND I had no idea how he was feeling about me. I think I meet them once or twice after that and then he disappeared. Had no idea where he went until his wife told me that he went down to London to work and that they were having arguments and disagreements. She was miserable and really unhappy, how he was feeling I have no idea because I didn’t have his number and the wife didn’t tell me – except that he wanted to come back. It wasn’t an easy period, she was upset and I don’t like when my friends are upset. But at the same time I hade other things to think about, my own personal life and my hopes and dreams. I just hoped to find a proper guy who could take care of me and just let me be me and make me feel free and alive. I know that’s not easy and that there probably isn’t anyone like that out there, but if you don’t hope and dream you might not find anyone. 

The more time went by the less I thought of him but I never stopped thinking of him, he was in my mind. Then out of nowhere the 1^st of October I saw him at the pub so I just had to go in there and talk to him and as soon as I got in there I got a hug with love.  Then he bought me tequila and he was really chocked after I just swallowed and took the lemon without making a face. Then he bought me a coke and we sat down in one of the sofas they have. Started to talk and the more we talked the more I wanted him. Then he said right out in the blue – I want to kiss you. I wanted to kiss him as well but I didn’t want to do that in the pub. So we took a little walk, didn’t get far before we started to kiss. We continued a bit further and then we stopped again next to the train station, kissing and hugging. Then we talked a bit. He was in a rush now because he was supposed to work at 6 o’clock.  So we decided that he went up to his job and talked to them and I went home and left my things I had bought earlier. Then I went back to the pub and he was there. Talked and then we left, took the way down over the dam holding hands and kissing. It was so nice and it felt so good and natural. We had some wine and beer at another pub down by the river just relaxing and enjoying each other. He started to feel me up and it was so nice. I haven’t been with anyone like that for a long, long time. He just made me feel good and relaxed. We kissed more and then when we had no more to drink we left and we took a way through the woods and we ended up on the ground having sex. It was really good and I was so happy, so happy I laugh now and again which wasn’t that good for him, anyway he needed to go back to work at around 9ish. So we walked back to town and back to reality. Not that we wanted to but we had to.

After that night it took us a week before we saw each other again and that was a really hard week because I really tried to find him, and apparently he tried to find me. But I meet him at the pub (again).  Talked and had a drink, then we took a  taxi back  to his place and hade some more sex, but it was more in a hurry this time because we didn’t really know when his wife was coming home. But after a more or less sad I see you later. We change phone numbers more or less as soon we came in through the door. That night I walked all the way back home and to co-op for food. After that night we meet a couple of more times.

But on the 13^th of October I had book us a Bed & Breakfast, just so we could have some time and no rush or pressure. It was so good, heavenly and relaxed. The only thing that wasn’t that good was that I drank a whole bottle of red wine and later at night I throw up a bit, but he didn’t mind. (I haven’t had anything to eat really that day, just some toasty for breakfast and then some slices of chicken) He just asked if I was okay and then continued doing the things we were doing. I have to say I didn’t sleep that much that night and it wasn’t for the sex, I was just so happy to have him next to me, holding me. A constant touch which was so natural and wonderful, not even annoying and warm or anything like that, just plain happiness.  I never wanted to leave the room even less the big bed! I was so perfectly happy and alive and free. He just makes me feel released from my inner prison. I asked him if he wanted to come back with me when I go home and he wanted to and after that night we have been planning and talking about it. We meet a couple of times after that.

The leaving....

I left Sweden the 15^th of February 2009 to be an Au-Pair in Scotland and to improve my English. The thought I had was to be an Au-Pair for a year and I was really looking forward to do that. I find a family on the internet and they sounded really good and I talked with the mum in the phone and she sounded really nice and friendly. We send e–mails for a couple of weeks and then I booked my ticket for the 15^th of February. My brothers took me to Arlanda airport. We left home about 5 o’clock in the morning, because we (I) was driving and it takes about 2,5 – 3 hours to get to the airport and my flight was 9.10 in the morning. I did say bye - bye to my mum in the morning before we left.

I had never travelled on my own before so it was quite scary and I was really upset because I missed my family already. I did cry and felt very alone when I sat on my own in the big airport. I think that the waiting was the worsted part of all. I’m really happy that I have been travelling before (Italy and Mallorca) so I knew what to do. It was a bit scary when I landed in London Heathrow because it is a big place and everything was in English, even though I knew a bit of English (okay I know a lot more then I say) it was a completely different thing to actually be around all English things and people. Then I needed to wait for about 2 hours in London for my next flight to Glasgow.

When I finally did arrive I was a bit late. My Au-Pair mother picked me up and then we drove for about 40-50 min till we arrived to the house, outside Stirling. We talked a bit on the way but not all the time, it was a quite stiff conversation but I have to say I liked her, she was nice. Then when we arrived I met the father and the 2 kids they had, a boy and a girl. The girl was 8 and the boy was 4,5 years old. They seemed really nice all of them but I was a bit wrong. It all started really good and we all get along but the more time that went by I started to see things and notice other things. I really don’t want to talk about that, it wasn’t really a good period of my life but I have to say that it actually gave me a sight into having kids and a marriage and I realized that I‘m very lucky to have my mum and dad and my 2 brothers. But I still want to have kids and I know my kids will be the best and most behaved.

Some people are just strange with very strange rules, but anyway. I have to say that it had positive things as well, I had a quite big room and I had a big bed and TV in my room that was really nice, wish I had that at home. I hade the possibility to use the car as much as I liked when I wasn’t working and I was off Saturdays and Sundays. I didn’t do much on my weekends in the beginning but in the end I started to go to the movies and to the shopping mall. Not that I really needed anything it was just to get away and to have some privet time. Even though I have had my driving licence sense 2004 and my driving was/is good but to learn how to drive on the left side of the road AND in the left side in the car wasn’t that easy. But luckily I manage and it went very well, the only problem is/was the roundabouts – but if I took it easy it was no problems but it was when there were other cars behind me I got a bit stressed but I never crashed or got hurt or hurt anyone else. And I have luck because the car I had was automatic, which made the driving so much easier. They lived very rural and we didn’t have any young neighbours, so on my free time I had no one to talk to. The things I did buy were books, lots of books but the thing is I never read them, just send them home. I did by the Twilight saga books, and I absolutely love them. Did actually by the movie Twilight, at Tesco’s in April, I like the movie but the book are soooo much better but I do like Robert Pattinson aka Edward Cullen and Kristen Stewart aka Bella Swan but also Peter Facinelli aka Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I stayed as an Au-Pair for about 2 month and then everything went downhill and I ended up at the boss of the agency for 3 days and it was really nice. I liked her, she was really friendly and one of her daughters was home from school and we got along very well. The boss also had another business that involved the hotel and bed and breakfast business. She asked me if I was interested in something like that and I was because I didn’t wanna go home after just 2 month, that wasn’t right – because my grandmother paid for the ticket and I wanted to get the most of it and just 2 month wasn’t enough.

One other thing that I did was to join a writing group, and that was thanks to a friend of my Au-Pair mother. I enjoyed it, it was funny and I had an opportunity to show people what I can write and then get good criticism and help how to write and so on. I liked Tom the leader; he was/is a good person. Still have the mail address so I can still send him stuff if I took the time to actually write some stuff down.

Pitlochry......

So I talked to Martin from Craigatin, on the phone on the 8^th of April and we agreed that I would come over to Pitlochry on the 9^th of April. Never heard the name Pitlochry and I couldn’t even pronounce it. I took the train and it was really scary because I really didn’t like trains. I tried to call Martin when I arrived but I couldn’t at first because my Swedish phone couldn’t make English number phone calls. But after like 10 min I talked to Martin and he came to get me in his car. He and his wife Andrea own the Craigatin House and Courtyard in the north end of Pitlochry. We had a little meeting in front of the fire. It was a little scary but everything went very well, then after the meeting Martin took me to see the room which I was gonna share with 2 other girls. The first of the girls I meet was Steph (Scottish) and it went well, she was nice and then after a while I meet Paula (Australian). Me and Steph shared the living room/bedroom and Paula had the spare extra room. They had extra jobs so that gave me time to unpack and have some time on my own and later they took me out for a welcome drink (or several, for 14 days in a row).. It was a lot of fun. It was then one of those days I meet Cameron and David and the other nice guys at McKays. And I fell for Cameron quite hard but never in love just fell for him.

I started working at Craigatin and then after about a month or two I started at The Auld Smiddy Inn as an extra job, it was good in the beginning. Everyone was really nice and friendly. Steph was working there before me and she didn’t like it anymore, strange hours and bad work. Paula had her extra job at Octobers/MacKenzies coffee shop. All days were the same, work, work, work but I do earn a lot of money. I did travel to some places in the beginning of my visit here. I went to Inverness, Perth, St.Andrews, Stirling, Edinburgh, Dundee and Glasgow. The first time I went to St.Andrews was when I was an Au-Pair and I hade the automatic car and a TOMTOM (GPS) and then the other times I hired a car for the other times I have been there. I have a good relationship with the car hiring people, so I get the car for a little bit cheaper which I really appreciate.

I have to say that I’m not that impressed about Glasgow but I have only been there once, I will go back to have another look around. The first time I went to Edinburgh I wasn’t impressed either but after I meet Daniel, its fun to go to Edinburgh and I have seen the other side of the city that’s not full of touristic shopping malls. I now like Edinburgh but I have still not been to the Castle – which I wish to do. Inverness was okay, probably need to go there again but not now. When I went to Dundee I went with Martin to get an NIC number, it was all rush, rush but we made it and I actually had a good time. Then we stopped in Perth on the way back to do some food shopping. I had my first Starbucks coffee, a nice one. 

Work and people...

At Craigatin I start working at 7.30 in the morning all the way to 13.00. When I first started I was working as a waitress and making beds. The breakfast is served between 8-9.30, during the weeks and between 8-10, on the weekends. And after breakfast we made the beds and cleaned the rooms, which took forever (na not really but sometimes it really felt like it). Paula was working in the kitchen with Andrea so I, Steph and Maggie were out and talking and serving the customers. Martin was out and talking to the customers as well and doing the toast. Maggie (Scottish) is like the terminator – always on a run and she never stands still cos she really hates it. Paula left in the end of May for a holiday and when she left Noi came. Steph moved into the small room and me and Noi (Thai) shared the big room. We all went out to welcome her.  And work just continued. I and Noi really getting along, she is now one of my best friends. And after Paula left, me and Noi took turns to be in the kitchen and out in the dining room. I preferred to be in the kitchen and after Noi left I have been in the kitchen all the time. (Until now, when it’s only me and Maggie working.)

Then one day (again) Steph was late for work, Martin fired her and he gave her only a couple of hours to pack and to disappear. So after she left there was a couple of days without anyone else but then Ann came. (Thai as well). We had a quite nice time the three of us, and we all worked together at Craigatin and at The Auld Smiddy Inn. Days went by and nothing really happened, all we did was work and work. Noi made us Thai food and it was really good. Life was quite boring, no life at all really. I’m not complaining I just worked, didn’t even go out – to tired. But I did go to the Theatre and to Blair Castle and to the House of Bruar – the most expensive place I have ever been to.

Sure I made a lot of money and I opened a bank account in June at Lloyds TSB. Been sending money home as well and I still have money to spend, strangely. I have been buying books and DVDs more then I should but I can’t help myself. Have send them all home now except a few new ones.

Noi’s boyfriend came up a couple of times and he is really nice and friendly. I like him. In the middle of August Ann left and Izumi (Japanese) came and then in the end of August Noi left and Cara (Australian/Scottish) came. Noi is now living down in Brighton with her boyfriend and they are getting married in February. I’m invited to the wedding and I’m going to the wedding but the thing is that the wedding is in Thailand. Hmm that’s going to be interesting but I’m looking forward to it.

Izumi and Cara is funny people. Izumi started working at Auld Smiddy one day before I finished from there. I hade no problem with the people working there it was we didn’t always get along and I didn’t like the work hours. I worked a couple of days a week at Smiddy, mostly from 6 o’clock to 10, sometimes from 5 o’clock. But you never knew when you finished, even though they told me the finishing time it was always something that destroyed that but sometimes I could actually finish earlier. But I did make a good friend, Shelly. Then I made friends with Tom. I liked to come up in the kitchen because we always made jokes and laugh and having a good time but my boss didn’t like that because you are not supposed to have fun – just work and the customers is the most important thing there. I do agree but not as much as them. I wanted to make friends and to enjoy life. Working as a waitress there was an experience and I’m glad I had the chance to do that. The dress code was black trousers, white shirt and a black tie (they provided that and an apron.) Shelly and I got along very well, but now a days I have no idea where she is or what she’s doing – it’s like she disappeared from the map. She don’t answer her phone or any texts.. 

On the 24^th of August I started working at Octobers/MacKenzies coffee shop. And I’m still working there and I like the people I work with. I’m finishing at the coffee shop at the 27^th of November and its going to be a nice feeling. Audrey is the mini boss there and the “big” bosses are Rachael and Mark. They own the coffee shop and the Christmas Emporium next door, a nice place, but I would go insane if I worked there the entire year around. The one I really, really like working with is Helen a 14 year old girl she is the best! So funny and so grown up. I’m gonna miss all the people I like from here.

The people I have worked with are quite a lot and some of them have been a real pleasure to work with and others have a little bit harder to work with. But I’m glad that I had the opportunity to get to know all there people and I really gonna miss some of them.

Things...

What have I done since I left Sweden? That is actually a good question – what have I done? I have improved my English quite a lot, I made some friends, worked my ass off and earned money. I have travelled around and seen bits and pieces of Scotland, but I wish to see more. I have been to Edradour Distillery and it was an interesting tour but it was a bit short but the Edradour is the smallest distillery in the entire Scotland. I bought cream liquor that I’m not going to be ale to finish before I go home. It’s too bad I can’t take it on the plane and I also have a bottle of Limoncello that I found in an Italian shop in St.Andrews.

I have found a shop in St.Andrews that I really love – it’s a “magical” one and I have bought a lot of things from there and I could and will buy more. But I have to wait until I come back for New Year, made a good friend in that store as well. He can talk I promise, but we always have good conversations. I’m learning how to do the Tarot Cards, Palm Reading, Auras, Dream Reading and Runes. It’s not easy but slowly I’ll get there.

It doesn’t look like I have been doing that much, but mostly I have just been working and trying to sleep. It’s not easy to sleep when you have roomies. I’m so happy right now when I’m on my own. Don’t get me wrong I have enjoyed my roomies but I really appreciate my freedom and my own space.

On thing I’ve done that I haven’t done before is passing out. I went to Edinburgh on the 4^th of November to visit Daniel. I came around in the afternoon and I meet up with Daniel at the station and we went for dinner. We went to the Grass market to have our food at The Black Bull. I had calamari and haggis balls and honeycomb ice-cream for desert. Daniel had veg.pasta and we shared a bottle of red wine. After the dinner we went to a plaza to meet up with other people who also were taking the ghost tour around Edinburgh. The tour guide we had was named Euan and he was quite enthusiastic about the tour, but he had not made up his mind if there were any ghost or not. The first bit of the tour was nice but there were two girls who had gum in there mouth and they did NOT shut there mouth and that is one thing that drives me crazy. Yuck! F**k! Anyway after like 40 min we went down to the dungeons and I have no problem with dungeons. (I have been quite stressed lately and not been sleeping properly). In the first room we came in to was warm so I took my jacket off and there was nothing more with that, I told Daniel that it was really warm and when we came in to the next room I was boiling hot on my front and ice cold on my back. The guide was talking about the ghost that where in the different rooms, a small boy named Jack and the there was the watcher that don’t like people at all. In the second room there were a blacksmith or something like that and there were a lady in black cloths, but she stayed only in her corner and if she attacked women, but I wasn’t in her corner at all. But suddenly my stomach just pulled together – just like before you are gonna throw up, which I thought I was gonna do – but no. I leaned on to Daniel because I did not have any balance at all then everything went black and I don’t remember anything about falling. Then I heard the people around but I couldn’t move and I just wanted to sleep. After a while that didn’t seem that long to me the ambulance came. It took me 20 min to come back to reality – not that I wanted to, I just wanted to sleep and feel free. I know it sounds really bad but in one way I felt so free even though I was trapped in my own body – couldn’t move at all. It took us a while to get me up the ambulance because my head was spinning and I felt sick. Poor Daniel, he told me later on that the scariest thing down there was me. I feel so sorry for him but he didn’t mind. He is sooo nice and caring. The ambulance personal (Mike) took my blood pressure and some blood. But he said nothing was wrong but my blood pressure was a bit high to be me, which I told him. He did ask me a couple of times if I wanted to go to the hospital but I knew that it wasn’t a good idea because you just have to wait and then they would have done the same test that Mike did. But now after everything I do wish I hade gone to the hospital, so they could check my stomach at the same time. My head was spinning and I felt sick for about one hour after everything. Daniel and I went to Bella Italia and hade desert and coke. I still feel sorry for him and I think he still is worried about me.  I have no idea why I passed out for 20 min and neither does Mike, I think we never will find out. I can still feel dizzy and sick and I have figure out that I can’t stand when it’s hot and thicky sticky air I need it to bee cool and soft otherwise I’m getting really bad headaches and nausea.  I slept in Daniels bed that night and he slept on the couch in the living room, I even asked him to wake me up in the morning just in case I had a concussion or something. So 8 o’clock he woke me up because he was on his was to work and so was his roommates, so lucky me I hade the apartment for my self for the rest of the day if I wanted but I left just after 12. Bought I silver dress that I’m gonna wear at Christmas. Hade some Chinese food before I left to go back home. The plan I had was to go inside the castle but I didn’t have the strength to do that, I barely could keep my eyes open. So when I came back I told Cara everything and she was mortified and really worried.  But I’m fine now, just suffering from dizziness and headaches. And I have figure out that I can’t drink red wine without having food first and not fried food, or at least a bottle of wine just 1-2 glasses is okay.

One other thing I have discovered that no matter where I am I always find myself in impossible situations. But for a chance its not about the money this time it is about love as always. When you think you have found the one you want to share the rest of your life with something always comes up and destroys it or nothing happens at all just a dead moment, like when you pause in a movie, you have seen and done a bit and then you pause. That’s how my life is right now; in a pause and I truly honestly hate it!! How hard can it be to keep in touch? If you love someone then you are committed to each other and to keep in touch is not suppose to be the hardest thing to do. I know how hard it is to see each other when you live far apart but if you live almost next to each other. I know when there are other things that can stop you from seeing the one you love but as soon as an opportunity comes then take it for Gods sake! I have sacrificed so much and I have given so much but what have I gotten in return? Heartache and misbelieve in human kind, is what I have gotten in return. But still I love and I still I trust. By some reason I have a really good patience which in some situations isn’t as good as in others. My patience is a bit of a curse as well I wish I was strong enough to say what I really want to say, what I really felt about everyone and things. My mum keeps telling me everything will be okay and that I will have everything I wish for and I believe her because she is my mum and I love my mum. Sometimes or almost all the time I wish I hade some kind of superpower so I knew what to do and to expect from people and to know what they are thinking. I wish I could hear peoples thought but only when I wanted to.  

Fish and chip is really good if you have mayonnaise, ketchup and sweet chilli sauce on it. There is a very good Fish and chip shop on the way to Co-op (the food store) and it’s not to expensive. Another thing that’s really good is a BLT sandwich (bacon, lettuce and tomatoes), so yummy.. and there is nothing wrong with the chocolate. Before I came here I never eat beans in tomato sauce but now I can have a full traditional breakfast, which contains; beans, sausage, bacon, potato scone, half of a tomato and a fried egg. I like everything except the tomato and I have to have HP sauce on it. That I’m gonna miss when I go home, but I can do it but it wound be the same because we don’t have the same bacon. Our bacon in Sweden is small and it gets curly when it gets fried but the ones here is bigger and thicker and it stays more or less the same shape when it’s cooked. I wonder if we have potato scones in Sweden? Need to find out.

Everything is now more or less packed and washed and ready to go. I still have a lot of things that I need to have with me and I have no idea how to get everything with me. I now have 3 bags that I have packed, or they are still opened and I probably need to rearrange it so it’s not too heavy. But I’m happy that I’m coming back because I have too much, good then that I’m gonna give some away. So when I’m home again I’m gonna sort out my wardrobe and the attic – when I have time. Jeeze it’s a lot to sort out and it will take time and I know I have said that before. Hopefully I will have time soon to do that. Right now all I want is to be with the one I love and to hold him for ever. But I don’t know where all this is going but I hope for the best.

I’m going down to Brighton in January, the 5-10^th to visit Noi and then I’m going to Portugal 12-19^th of January for a nice holiday on my own and I really looking forward to do that after working 10 month in a row with only one day off a week. Then in February I’m off to Thailand after I have booked my ticket, don’t know for how long I’m going to be off but all I know is that Noi wanted me to be there at the latest the 26^th so I think I’ll go the 24^th of February so I’ll be there on the 25^th. So much to do and not so much time left, I have a couple of bookings to do before I go home on the 30^th of November, or I’ll go down to London on the train that day and then on the 1^st of December I’ll fly home. I’m staying with a friend for a couple of days before I go home- home. Gonna visit my grandmother as well, because I haven’t seen her for ages and ages. Then I might go and visit some other friends but I’m not sure if I have time for it, but I know that I probably can borrow my mums car when I’m home again.

I don’t know what else to write now. I have been sitting for a couple of days writing this. Some parts have been easy to write and some have been a bit harder. And it’s when I have turned of the computer I figure out more to write but never have the strength to write it down on paper. Like now, I have had a week off the Bed & Breakfast even though I been working a few times at the coffee shop, but have been such a nice and relaxed time just being on my own and to calm down. Like I said before my packing is almost done, now I just need to decide what to ware when I’m travelling home. And it’s not easy to decide what to ware and it need to be comfortable. That’s going to be interesting. 

One other thing that happened is that one day at MacKenzie’s it was me and Mark working and I was on my way down the stairs to get the mop and bucket and when I was half way down I fell and landed on my left side and especially on my hip and it hurt like hell. I did take the mop (I forgot the bucket) and then went up again and I told Mark that I fell and he told me to sit down. He gave me the last chocolate cake piece as some comfort – sure it’s a really good cake but it doesn’t help the pain really. Then he and Rachael left to get their kid to go home and left me to lock up on my own. Not to busy but still it wasn’t the funniest night in my life. Paula came by to say hi and that was the funniest part all night.